My pesky sidekick

I carry my anxiety around like it's a favorite purse....when really it's more a pesky sidekick that won't leave me alone, or even worse a leech that has attached itself to me.  As I was browning my taco meat tonight my thoughts drifted to why I can't seem to shake my anxiousness....then I realized: my anxiety stems from fear of the unknown.  All my life I've been a planner, I make lists, I arrange schedules, I know where I'm going and when.  I had my life planned in high school and followed that plan for a good seven years afterward.  Then BAM, plan changed and I moved to Montana.  Then BAM, life threw me a huge curve ball with the death of my father. I thought I was back on track where I am now but I find myself empty and wandering.... wondering where I fit in, what's my purpose, what am I doing with this one life that I know first-hand can be ripped away without a moment's notice.  And to top off all of those questions, there is the bigger: "Where is my life headed?" question.  I'm standing here facing the unknown head-on and I'm about as comfortable as a....cat on a cactus?  cat in water?  I don't know...something extremely uncomfortable. (Think climbing over barbed wire uncomfortable).

My previous boss at a job that holds the record for my shortest job ever worked pointed out that I'm not good with nebulous.  Duh. I pointed out that I was a CERTIFIED PLANNER.....we don't do nebulous. Well, tough nuggies he said - get comfortable with nebulous, because the real world is nebulous. (I could go off on a whole other topic about the relationship between certified planners and the "real world".)  God is forcing me to get good with nebulous, because nebulousness is where you are forced to rely on Him....and that my friends, is His ultimate desire.

Truth be told, my fear of the unknown is really the symptom of a much bigger problem that should cause me much greater concern - a lack of trust in God my Father, my Provider, my Friend, my Confident, my Savior, He who has good things in store and came so that I might have life abundantly.  My fear of the unknown is really a symptom of a sin in my life.  A sin of which I repent and turn from.  Father, forgive me for not fully trusting in you, for placing my trust in my own strength and my own silly plans.

I'm in the middle of a process.  My prayer is that God will take away my anxiety but if He doesn't, I will CHOOSE to praise Him anyway. I will CHOOSE to love Him anyway.  I will CHOOSE to rejoice every day. And while this will be hard, I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.  His undeniable love makes me able to get up each day, and comforts me each night.  May it do the same for you as we journey through life in our temporary home.