Obedience

I'm a fairly obedient person.  I try not to speed.  I follow general public order signs, "Please wait to be seated.", "No loitering.", "No outside candy in the theater." (Okay that last one isn't always true.) I was pretty obedient in school, only getting sent to the Principal's office once for wearing flip flops (I had a "severe" toe injury). I even try to follow my current professor's unreasonable page formatting expectations. (Who uses double space in grad school!)  Anyways, all in all, I'm pretty 'rule-abiding'.  This includes the big 10 - you know, the Ten Commandments.  But there's one area where I struggle.  Trusting in God.

You may say, will that's not obedience that's trust; it's different. Before I might have agreed but I believe now that we are called to trust in God, we are called not to worry and it's a matter of obedience.  It's not a 'Hey, if you can, don't worry.  If you have the desire, trust in Me.  If it's not too hard, place your life in my hands." No.  We're called to lay our burdens down, to stop worrying; to know that God values us more than the lilies in the field.

As I mentioned in my last post I've been anxious lately.  I've never experienced this type of anxiety.  I've cried out to God; I've felt lonely, empty, and at times abandoned.  But of course, I know this isn't true.  I know my God will never leave nor forsake me and that He is with me always.  But sometimes that doesn't make it any easier.  Finally, the other night I believe God clearly called my anxiety what it was - a case of disobedience.  (Please note:  I know many people struggle with anxiousness, I am not in anyway saying their anxiety is disobedience....this is just what I believe for me.)  I believe God called me out on my lack of trust in Him; on my lack of faith that He truly has the best in mind for me; that He truly will call all things to work together for my  good; that He will complete the work He's started in me.  And He'd be right (of course).  Frankly, I've been angry with God lately.  I've been frustrated with Him.  And therefore, I've been disobedient.

My prayer now is of course one of repentance, asking for forgiveness.  It's a prayer of thanks for the grace I know I've already received.  And it's a prayer for strength as I walk forward each day on this journey God has me on.  I may not understand it but I will trust in Him; I will trust in His undeniable love to see me through each day, each trial, and each anxious moment.  I love Him.  I have faith in Him.  I will be obedient in my Faith to Him.  Amen.

"Through Him and for His name's sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith." - Romans 1:5