The Darkness of Dismay

Over my past few blogs I’ve hinted at this “thing” I’m going through right now.  It’s a hard thing to explain.  Essentially, I feel like I am distant from God in a way I haven’t experienced before.  I’ve questioned whether it was me, my thoughts or my actions causing this distance.  I feel like this “thing” is really big; a really big distance.  And yet in other, smaller ways I know that God is right there with me.  I’ve blogged before about how I love when God shows up in little ways…really little ways - but when He does it’s big, at least for me.  Because for me it reminds me that He is here, in the midst of this crazy world we live in, and He cares about the details….those little details that in light of recent events like the earthquake and tsunami in Japan really shouldn’t matter and yet they do…they do matter and sadly they have the ability to consume our thoughts.  And God shows up in these, which is AWESOME. 
       So this morning God woke me up….early.  (It’s 3:27 AM as I write this)  It’s these early, early wake ups when I tend to cry out to God and ask Him where He is….knowing full well He’s right here with me, He did wake me up after all.  And yet I don’t feel Him.  I want to feel Him because that’s what I do, that’s how I am.  I want to feel in love.  I want to feel happy at work.  I want to feel the joy of Christ…..well right now I don’t have a lot of feeling going on.  In fact, I’d say that the zest for life that I once felt, is gone.  Please, don’t be concerned.  I know exactly the reasons for this:  I moved 2,000 miles across the country, left my job, my family, and my friends to spend time with my father who passed away almost precisely 5 months after my move.  I’m now in a beautiful community with wonderful people, but it’s not the same….it’s not my community, they aren’t my people.  I’ve been uprooted from my foundation and as I recently blogged about…this action of uprooting can have dramatic effects on someone’s relationship with Christ.  That is where I find myself.  That is the “thing” I’m going through.

       So…back to being woken up by my loving Father at 3:27 AM.  As I’m doing what a lot of people do in the middle of the night (hint, the room with a toilet), a take a look at what Oswald Chambers would have to say on this day about my current situation….and low and behold, God showed up.  I take comfort in Chamber’s message for today from My Upmost for His Highest:

      "At the beginning of our life with Jesus Christ, we were sure we knew all there was to know about following Him.  It was a delight to forsake everything else and to throw ourselves before Him in a fearless statement of love.  But now we are not quite so sure.  Jesus is far ahead of us and is beginning to seem different and unfamiliar – ‘Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed.’ (Matthew 10:32)

      There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even a disciple’s heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air.   This unusual Person with his face set ‘like a flint’ (Isaiah 50:7) is walking with great determination ahead of me, and He strikes terror right through me.  He no longer seems to be my Counselor and Friend and has a point of view about which I know nothing.  All I can do is stand and stare at Him in amazement.  At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure.  I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus and me and I can no longer be intimate with Him.  I have no idea where he is going, and the goal has become strangely distant. 

       Jesus Christ had to understand fully every sin and sorrow that human beings could experience, and that is what makes Him seem unfamiliar.   When we see this aspect of Him, we realize we really don’t know Him.  We don’t recognize even one characteristic of His life, and we don’t know how to begin to follow Him. He is far ahead of us, a Leader who seems totally unfamiliar, and we have no friendship with Him.

      The discipline of dismay (emphasis added) is an essential lesson which a disciple must learn.  The danger is that we tend to look back on our times of obedience and on our past sacrifices to God in an effort to keep our enthusiasm for Him strong (see Isaiah 50:10-11).  But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy.”

      The darkness of dismay.  Dictionary.com defines the noun dismay as: “sudden or complete loss of courage; utter disheartenment; sudden disillusionment; agitation of mind; perturbation; alarm.”  I would definitely say at times I’m experiencing disheartenment and disillusionment in my walk with Christ for all the reasons I’ve mentioned before.  But, as Chambers says….I will take heart and endure this season with the faith that it too shall pass and when it’s over my relationship with Christ will be even stronger and even more wonderful.   After all, faith is not a feeling.  Faith is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”  (Hebrews 11:1)  In my case, faith is also being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not feel.  While I may not always feel God’s presence when I find myself in the darkness of dismay, I will endure until the darkness is over.  I will continue to trust in my God’s great undeniable love and continue to walk in the plan He has prepared for me.  Amen.