The Darkness of Dismay

Over my past few blogs I’ve hinted at this “thing” I’m going through right now.  It’s a hard thing to explain.  Essentially, I feel like I am distant from God in a way I haven’t experienced before.  I’ve questioned whether it was me, my thoughts or my actions causing this distance.  I feel like this “thing” is really big; a really big distance.  And yet in other, smaller ways I know that God is right there with me.  I’ve blogged before about how I love when God shows up in little ways…really little ways - but when He does it’s big, at least for me.  Because for me it reminds me that He is here, in the midst of this crazy world we live in, and He cares about the details….those little details that in light of recent events like the earthquake and tsunami in Japan really shouldn’t matter and yet they do…they do matter and sadly they have the ability to consume our thoughts.  And God shows up in these, which is AWESOME. 
       So this morning God woke me up….early.  (It’s 3:27 AM as I write this)  It’s these early, early wake ups when I tend to cry out to God and ask Him where He is….knowing full well He’s right here with me, He did wake me up after all.  And yet I don’t feel Him.  I want to feel Him because that’s what I do, that’s how I am.  I want to feel in love.  I want to feel happy at work.  I want to feel the joy of Christ…..well right now I don’t have a lot of feeling going on.  In fact, I’d say that the zest for life that I once felt, is gone.  Please, don’t be concerned.  I know exactly the reasons for this:  I moved 2,000 miles across the country, left my job, my family, and my friends to spend time with my father who passed away almost precisely 5 months after my move.  I’m now in a beautiful community with wonderful people, but it’s not the same….it’s not my community, they aren’t my people.  I’ve been uprooted from my foundation and as I recently blogged about…this action of uprooting can have dramatic effects on someone’s relationship with Christ.  That is where I find myself.  That is the “thing” I’m going through.

       So…back to being woken up by my loving Father at 3:27 AM.  As I’m doing what a lot of people do in the middle of the night (hint, the room with a toilet), a take a look at what Oswald Chambers would have to say on this day about my current situation….and low and behold, God showed up.  I take comfort in Chamber’s message for today from My Upmost for His Highest:

      "At the beginning of our life with Jesus Christ, we were sure we knew all there was to know about following Him.  It was a delight to forsake everything else and to throw ourselves before Him in a fearless statement of love.  But now we are not quite so sure.  Jesus is far ahead of us and is beginning to seem different and unfamiliar – ‘Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed.’ (Matthew 10:32)

      There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even a disciple’s heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air.   This unusual Person with his face set ‘like a flint’ (Isaiah 50:7) is walking with great determination ahead of me, and He strikes terror right through me.  He no longer seems to be my Counselor and Friend and has a point of view about which I know nothing.  All I can do is stand and stare at Him in amazement.  At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure.  I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus and me and I can no longer be intimate with Him.  I have no idea where he is going, and the goal has become strangely distant. 

       Jesus Christ had to understand fully every sin and sorrow that human beings could experience, and that is what makes Him seem unfamiliar.   When we see this aspect of Him, we realize we really don’t know Him.  We don’t recognize even one characteristic of His life, and we don’t know how to begin to follow Him. He is far ahead of us, a Leader who seems totally unfamiliar, and we have no friendship with Him.

      The discipline of dismay (emphasis added) is an essential lesson which a disciple must learn.  The danger is that we tend to look back on our times of obedience and on our past sacrifices to God in an effort to keep our enthusiasm for Him strong (see Isaiah 50:10-11).  But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy.”

      The darkness of dismay.  Dictionary.com defines the noun dismay as: “sudden or complete loss of courage; utter disheartenment; sudden disillusionment; agitation of mind; perturbation; alarm.”  I would definitely say at times I’m experiencing disheartenment and disillusionment in my walk with Christ for all the reasons I’ve mentioned before.  But, as Chambers says….I will take heart and endure this season with the faith that it too shall pass and when it’s over my relationship with Christ will be even stronger and even more wonderful.   After all, faith is not a feeling.  Faith is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”  (Hebrews 11:1)  In my case, faith is also being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not feel.  While I may not always feel God’s presence when I find myself in the darkness of dismay, I will endure until the darkness is over.  I will continue to trust in my God’s great undeniable love and continue to walk in the plan He has prepared for me.  Amen.

Are We Inviting the Enemy In or Do We Just Not Keep Him Out?

I've heard that the true test of a Christian is to remove him from the environment in which he is familiar and comfortable and place him somewhere new.  Then watch and see how he responds and reacts.  Does he still love his neighbor like himself? Does he still consider others before himself?  Is he still willing to lay his life down for his brother?  Does he still exhibit the fruits of the spirit? (Galatians 5:22-23: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.) Is he still growing in his relationship with his Savior, Christ Almighty?

I currently feel like the subject of this 'experiment' described above.  Although I voluntarily  removed myself from where I was comfortable and familiar, I am in a new place nonetheless.  (Sure it's not that new since I've been here for a years now; but compared to the almost 7 years before it still feels new at times.) So, the question is - how have I done?  Do I love my neighbor like myself? Do I consider others before myself?  Am I willing to lay my life down for my brother?  Do I exhibit the fruits of the spirit?  And most importantly, am I growing in my relationship with my Savior, Christ Almighty?

Honestly, if this was an exam I'd probably make a 50%.  If it was a pass or fail....I'd probably fail.  (Unless the professor was nice and graded on a curve.)  Isn't that sad to admit?  It's certainly hard to admit (insert humbling moment).  This is coming from a girl that loves God, thinks Jesus is amazing, and relies on the Holy Spirit for her next breath at times.  So why the change?

First, I'm probably being too hard on myself.  I'm sure if I asked others around me they would put me more at a 75%.  But still, why not a 100%  Why?  Because I'm snarky at times (I like this word because it sounds just as not nice as it is.)  Because my mouth runs - a lot.  Because I work (once again) in the public service industry, which tries my patience.   Because I forget (often) that the world does not revolve around me.  Because I have a blind eye and deaf hear to the needs of those right in front of me.  

As I was praying this morning about this very thing,  I asked God what I had done, if anything, to let the enemy in.  His response was a question (so typical).  "What have you done to keep Him out?"  OUCH.  Me, being a dense dope at times, asked - 'What can I do?'  (Yes, I regretted it as soon as I asked it.)  But our God is gentle, and polite, and non-condescending, and truly exhibits that there are no dumb questions (not like us at all thankfully).  He gently directed me to Ephesians 6:10-18 the great passage about the Armor of God.  Forgive me if I've written about this before, I obviously needed a reminder today.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God , so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.   And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and request.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." (NIV)

God is with us all the time and He sends the Holy Spirit to help us; but it is our job to do our part to keep the enemy out.  Every day we must guard our hearts from this guy - he's a sneaky devil. (wink) Remember where the light does not shine the darkness prevails.  May God's undeniable love continue to encourage you and call you to put on the full armor of God and shine His light for all to see.  Amen.